“Confusion? I Know Exactly What I Am Doing!”
“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath.” – Hebrews 6:17
Hmmm, the unchanging nature of his purpose…. Those were words I needed to hear, but in reference to the purposes for me and my life. I was having one of those very frustrating days where, after a week of contemplation and evaluation regarding my efforts, understanding and obedience to God, I felt like I was missing something. This has been going on for a few years now, but recently my treasure box of understanding had received a tidbit and the Lord was reminding me of it once again.
I can become easily disheartened and sometimes downright discouraged when I look back at how a day gets spent. Several of my friends have said, on more than one occasion, how excessively hard I am on myself. It would appear that today was another one of those days. Everything from finances to dinners seemed to be coming up on the skinny side. I had just written in my journal some of the more positive steps I was going to take when I received a phone call that sent my tail into a spin and my head in a tizzy.
It was nothing serious, but after deliberating for months and feeling like I was really going to do this this time, my friend on the other end of the line had me questioning that decision. In her defence, she had only asked me to join her at the gym that she had just signed up at. This however, is one of the items I had placed on the chopping block, in my effort to help my husband and I finally succeed at managing our money. It is also something that I have found incredibly difficult to act upon. After I hung up, I felt as if I needed to shake the tree to get that acorn to fall so I could have a Eureka moment, rather than confident in the steps I had just finished writing out for me to take! It became apparent to me later that day, that this was not about cutting out the gym membership, but instead about believing that I was in fact doing what God wanted me to do and where God wanted me to be.
After I got off the phone I was going to sit down and spend some quiet time hoping to hear from God. It would appear that as I laid out the things that I was uncertain about to the Lord, I was unable to make a decision about anything easily. This handicap, after thinking back, seems to have been present for quite some time in my life. It was this uncovering that allowed me to hear the Lord say, “The enemy creates confusion. I know exactly what I am doing.”
In response, I countered with, “Well then, could you please make that clarity known to me, so that I know what I am doing.”
To which the Lord replied, “Again, my grace is sufficient for you.”
The whirlwind in my brain seemed to pick up speed, but, not in confusion, rather in divine clarity. I was being reminded of the power of God seen through our weaknesses. I remembered a conversation I had had and this same response had been given to me. I was being told that everytime, I found myself questioning my inability to make a decision, I was being strengthened by the Lord’s counsel.
Instead, being able to sit quietly at home, I found myself responding to a text from someone I loved, who needed my help. They had just received news that was both shocking and fear provoking. It was difficult for them to process on their own and the tears were starting to float their bed. As I drove over to their place to pick them up, I began to see a light once again for my path. To be free to respond to another’s cry for help, this is how I am to be living. Free to love my hurting child, free to play when they need a friend, free to counsel when the Lord divinely appoints me to the one in need and free to write as he directs. Yes, I struggle with decision making, but it is on purpose.
As we came back home to sit and talk, we had a good conversation. While I was ministering to this individual, the Lord was ministering to my own tizzied tailspin. Only after I had finished and sat down for my personal quiet time, did the many avenues of questions held within my head, seem to converge on one similar point; my confusion, the inability to put into words and actions what it is that I am to be doing, was the inward groaning of my spirit. It was crying out for time with God and a release from my efforts to control my day. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” (Romans 8:26 NIV)
I have a confidence in me, that trusts, my prayer for the Holy Spirit to provide the words I am to speak when I meet with others. I strongly believe, the Lord is the writer of my articles, it is his insight and his direction that helps my sentences form and my ideas flow. There is no doubt that He is the true Author of Tidbits of Treasure; however, in my daily life, I lack that same flow. It is here that I need a reminder sometimes to fall on my knees and seek his direction. It is in these moments of confusion, that I humble myself and return to sit at his feet. I have a Martha complex, and if I allow it to run, I miss out on this time with him. Only when the confusion becomes greater than my ability to hear from the Holy Spirit do I really soak in my time with Him.
I was being brought face to face with the reality that my desire to do, was not what God had asked me to do. Herein lies the cause for my chaos and confusion, a constant seeking of purpose. This robs me of my peace in Him and steals the joy from my life. It also, humbles me as I identify this disquieting in my soul, not because He chose to remain silent, rather than answer my question; “Lord, what is it I am to be doing?” But, because my actions are an attempt to take over control of my life and create my own purpose, rather than accepting His.
As I contemplated the events of this day, I again was converging on a treasure trove of tidbits that excited my soul and spoke of the greatness we find when we live in Christ. If I had all the answers, and could arrange my day without hiccups, I doubt I would find myself soaking in his peace as much as I do now. I appreciate that I am not blessed with the gift of organization and direction for my day. I would miss out on a glorious opportunity to see how His splendor and power truly blesses my every waking minute. It is a gift to take my time with him, and seek his will for my life. I am blessed without reason when he brings me to walk with another through their difficult circumstances. I receive as much from this opportunity to give comfort and grace, as I do when it is given to me. I may never earn the right to clearly know the plan for my life, but I will confidently rest knowing that His word is a light to my feet and a lamp unto my path.
With each step that I take, I get a new opportunity to rest confidently in Him, trusting him with my life and its outcome. A gift of joy, that was once placed right before me, appeared hidden as if it was not there. Now my eyes have been opened and my ears have been allowed to hear him speak to my obedience to him. He has shared how powerful it is to embrace my shortcomings as strengths. My eyes have been opened to accept that confusion is a warning that my feet are beginning to stray and it draws me back to my Maker. He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. When I rest in His plans and trust he will not lead me astray, I can relax.
– (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Open our hearts so that we can receive your word and seek your will before all else. Bring to light our weaknesses so that we too can embrace your strength in them. So I will boast all the more in my weakness, for it is when I am weak, then I am strong. Praise God for his power in me. May all who seek you, come to know the blessing of humbly admitting their weaknesses so that they too may experience your power in them.
In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen